Yesterday, I had a therapy session with a young man in his mid-twenties, who has major “anger issues” Just last week he had recently struck out and broke a window after being provoked by some situation.
He says “I know it doesn’t look like it, but I really am a good guy… it’s just my anger.” Then he goes on to explain how he “spazzes out” or blacks out every time someone pisses him off.
I tell him the same thing I tell guys with similar presentations. “Anger is not the problem here, in fact, there are really no bad emotions.”
For most people, this simple concept can be hard to grasp. But at its core, anger as an emotion is really no different than sadness, joy, fear, embarrassment, guilt, love, or gratitude.
You see, you have to think of emotions as messengers: their job is to help us identify what different situations mean to us.
For instance, anger signals that a situation/event/individual is threatening your personal boundaries or values. Feeling Joy signifies that an event/situation that we really like. Guilty feeling tells us we are engaging in a behavior that your culture perceives as wrong. etc.
None of these emotions is the problem, rather it’s how we react to it that can impacts us — negatively or otherwise.
Take anger for instance. Feeling angry does not mean much in the grand scheme of things, it is not until you react aggressively (yelling, assault, fighting) to that feeling, that the emotion becomes an issue.
Another thing to keep in mind is that emotions do not exist in a vacuum, there is almost always an implied belief/thought associated with them. — I call this “the story behind the emotion.”
To illustrate,
Say you are standing in the office walkway having a conversation with a colleague, and somebody sneaks up from behind and smacks you in the head,
In that split second, you may start to feel anger start to swell up in you, but if you look back and see that it was your buddy Francis, instinctively, your brain tells you he is just joking around; chances are that the anger will dissipate,
But if you had turned back and saw that it was someone you did not really get along with that smacked you in the head; that anger will likely be sustained.
These processes typically happen so fast before we have time to think about it. So, if we know that emotions are not inherently bad, and the real culprit is with our reactions, which are tied to our thoughts and beliefs, or the stories we tell ourselves about the situation.
How do we become the kind of person that is able to react positively, even to seemingly negative emotions? You know, one of those people who never seem to be ruffled?
The easy answer to that is, whenever you are triggered by an event, stop and think! Think of your thoughts and beliefs about that event, consider your reaction, and potential outcomes.
This is by no means easy; it takes some practice.
The other answer will take you down a rabbit hole of emotional regulation, and the impact of childhood traumas, parenting styles, and attachment needs, etc. In my next post, I will explore why some people seem to naturally have a lead on their emotions, while some struggle.
STAY TUNED.