In my last post, I explained why there are no bad emotions. I presented psychological insights that show that emotions are never the problem, rather our reactions to them are often where challenges lie.
In this post, I dig deep into why some people handle their emotions better than others. At the end of this post, you will learn why some folks always seem to have a good grip on their emotions while some fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
There are two psychological theories that explain the factors that influence how people express or manage emotions.
The first is the Behavioral Theory. This theory states that ALL behaviors are acquired through interactions with our early environment. In other words, any behavior you exhibit was mostly what you observed from early caregivers. If a child was raised by caregivers who were aggressive, violent, funny, playful or emotionally distant; the chances you will pick up these traits are 99.99%. Almost inevitable.
The second theory that really explains the difference in how people deal with emotions is called Attachment theory.
Attachment theory says that as children, we are biologically wired to create strong attachments with at least one early caregiver. This is often the mother.
Infants who had secure bonds with a responsive caregiver were more likely to secure food, safety, and comfort. Whereas children who are unable to form these bonds suffer long-term consequences in their intellectual, social, and emotional development.
How does this relate to emotional regulation?
Take a minute to think about all the things you easily do today; from walking, talking, eating, to regulating your body temperature etc.
Now consider the fact that every one of these activities were once impossible feats for you. But your parents or early caregivers helped facilitate the development of these skills until you were able to build the skills to do it yourself. The same goes for emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation is an internal, almost subconscious skill that is intricately connected to the nature of a child’s attachment to their primary caregiver.
Because children rely on caregivers to help them make sense of their internal world. When a child is distressed, scared, or angry, the caregiver’s response teaches the child what to do with that feeling.
If the caregiver is physically and emotionally present, the child’s cries are met with comfort, curiosity, and reassurance. Not only does the child feel safe in his emotions, but the child also learns that emotions are tolerable and manageable. This reduces the natural stress hormones response while developing the child’s self-soothing abilities.
On the other side, if the caregiver is absent, unresponsive or emotionally dismissive, the child learns a different lesson; that emotions are unsafe, inconvenient, or unacceptable. Ultimately, they fail to learn to regulate emotions in a healthy manner.
Children with secure attachment to emotionally present parents tend to grow into adults who can experience emotions without being consumed by them. They feel things fully, but they recover.
Conversely, inconsistent, neglectful, or emotionally unpredictable caregiving can lead to insecure attachment patterns. These individuals may experience emotions more intensely, struggle to self-soothe, or rely heavily on others to regulate their internal state.
So… what does these tell us about people who struggle to control their emotions?
It is not a character flaw but an adaptation. Because what we may consider “overreacting” or “blacking out” in adulthood often reveals a survival strategy learned in childhood.
Wait. There is one other thing that further complicates emotional regulation: Trauma.
When your nervous system has been conditioned to stay on high alert, emotions will often feel overwhelming and uncontrollable; causing your body to react before your mind figures out what is going on.
In my last post on this series, I will explore several scientifically proven steps that anyone can use to improve their emotional regulation.
STAY TUNED!