In the first two parts of this series, I made two crucial points:
First, there are no bad emotions, only reactions which can either lead to beneficial or harmful outcomes
Second, the way we relate to our emotions is shaped by early experiences, attachment patterns, and, for most people, trauma.
That naturally leads to one question:
For someone who didn’t learn emotional regulation early, is it still possible to learn at a later age?
The answer is yes. But it takes patient and deliberate practice. Same skill it takes to build new habits. Below, I will provide 5 skillsets or models that, when practiced consistently, can significantly improve your ability to regulate emotions, especially during moments of stress, anger, and overstimulation.
The ABC model: Understanding the Story Behind the Emotion
One of the most critical tools for emotion management comes from cognitive-behavioral therapy and is known as the ABC model. This model is also often used in Rational Emotive Therapy
A: Stressor/Activating event – What happened?
B: Belief – The meaning you assigned to what happened.
C: Consequence – How you felt and reacted.
Like I said earlier, emotions do not exist in a vacuum, there is always a belief attached to them. Most people assume emotions flow directly from events. But contrary to popular opinion, they flow from our interpretations of said events.
Two people can experience the same event and respond in completely different ways; not because one is “more emotional,” but because their beliefs differ. Likewise, the same event can make one individual react different in different context..
When emotions feel overwhelming, the most productive question is not “Why am I feeling this?” but rather: “What story am I telling myself about what just happened?” What are my thoughts and beliefs about this event?
Once the belief becomes visible, it can be scrutinized, challenged, and reframed. That cognitive shift often reduces emotional intensity while reducing the chances of rash reactions.
Mindfulness: Creating Space Between Feeling and Reaction
While the ABC model is an easy concept to grasp, the problem is that it is often hard to Stop and think of the beliefs underlying our emotion when we are in the thick of things. And that is where mindfulness comes in.
Mindfulness is the act of being completely present in the now, not in the past or future. To notice what’s happening inside you in this very moment without immediately reacting to it.
When you are mindful, you observe your emotion rather than becoming fused with it. Instead of going from emotion to reaction to action,” Mindfulness creates a space where you start to notice the emotion. Mindfulness slows the moment down just enough to interrupt automatic reactions. That space is where choice lives. And choice is the foundation of emotional regulation.
It’s important to note that emotions rise and fall on their own timeline. When we don’t interfere with them by suppressing, escalating, or acting them out, they often pass more quickly than we expect.
3. Affirmations or Positive Self Talk: Regulating the Nervous System with Your Own Voice
This last skill is often dismissed as soft or unscientific, but it is rooted in neuroscience. It is believed that our own voice can bypass mental filters and cut right through our subconscious.
Your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or threat. One of the strongest signals of safety comes from your own voice.
When you speak to yourself in a calm, reassuring manner, you send a message to your nervous system that the threat has passed, or that you can handle what’s happening.
Simple affirmations you can use include:
- “I don’t have to react”
- “This too will pass.”
- “This feeling is not me”
Keep in mind that this is not about pretending that everything is fine; rather it’s about regulating the stress response long enough for the rational part of our brain to take back control.
Over time, this practice strengthens self-soothing abilities, especially for individuals who did not consistently receive emotional reassurance early in life.