What is the one thing that every human being has in common?
Rich or poor.
Black or white.
Hispanic or Asian.
Straight or queer.
Religious or atheist.
Simple. To be happy.
As a therapist in a maximum-security psychiatric facility, every day I interact with folks, some of whom are never going to see the light of day. Folks who exist in the trenches of life, stripped of basic humanity, freedom, and autonomy.
Yet somehow, they are able to live their day-to-day lives with joy. I watch them get excited over little things; a letter from family, some commissary goods, a cute picture from a girl on the outside, an extra peanut butter and jelly sandwich… things that you and I would barely notice. In my group sessions, I always start off by asking the group to say just one thing they are grateful for. It is always the same responses.
“I got to wake up today.”
“We got to go to the store today.”
“My dad visited this weekend.”
“We got an extra side of chicken for lunch today.”
To be honest, interacting with them forces me to see the things I take for granted, and brings me face-to-face with my own ingratitude.
How many of us have everything we could possibly need, good health, money in the bank, freedom, a job, the love and company of family and friends,… yet are still chronically unhappy?
Always complaining about one thing or the other. Wishing that things were better. Never stopping to smell the roses.
I have pondered on this for some time.
And the conclusion that I came up with was this:
Our happiness, or lack thereof, is not necessarily a consequence of outcomes or circumstances, but rather is dependent on the degree of our expectations relative to outcomes.
Assuming that pain or disappointment is what happens when an outcome falls below our expectations, and that happiness is what happens when an outcome far exceeds our expectations…
If we take a closer look at these definitions, there are two recurring variables:
“Outcomes” and “expectations.”
I like to think that all of our happiness or sadness in life is anchored on these two variables.
Stay with me. Don’t go anywhere.
Imagine two friends, Francis and Gbemi, applying for the same job.
Francis goes into the interview expecting to make $80,000.
Gbemi, on the other hand, goes in expecting to make $200,000.
At the end of the hiring process, both of them receive the same offer: $120,000.
Who do you think will be happier?
Obviously, Francis, who expected $80,000, will probably go home and throw a party. Meanwhile, Gbemi, who expected $200,000, may feel disappointed, frustrated, or even insulted.
Same job. Same offer. Same outcomes
Completely different emotional reactions.
And that is the thing about happiness. It is not always the situation itself that determines how we feel. Many times, it is what we expected going into it.
I was able to represent this in a mathematical formula.
Happiness = Outcome ÷ Expectation
Here is how it works in real life.
If we look at the numbers from our two job applicant friends above.
For Francis:
Expectation = $80,000 Outcome = $120,000
If happiness = outcome ÷ expectation,
Happiness score = $120,000 ÷ $80,000 = 1.5
For Gbemi.
Expectation = $200,000 Outcome = $120,000
Happiness score = $120,000 ÷ $200,000 = 0.6
Simply put; the lower we set the expectation variable, the higher the happiness score.
Now, here is the kicker.
We can’t always influence or change outcomes.
But we can always modify expectations.
Measure your expectations, or better still, get rid of expectations. Yes. All the way to zero.
Of course, this is easier said than done due to our very nature as humans.
But the thing is, when your expectations are realistic, you are more likely to appreciate the outcome. But when your expectations are too high, even a good outcome can feel like a loss.
Be careful though, managing your expectations is not the same thing as lowering your standards. Standards show up in how much you work or prepare.
It simply means being honest with yourself about what is most probable, what is possible, and what is within your control.
Because sometimes, protecting your peace is acknowledging that you have little power over outcomes.
But you can always set your expectations to zero.